Calvin has been sleeping poorly for several weeks now. He will sleep a few hours and then wake up choking or screaming. Thankfully on most days after a few morning hours he's able to be somewhat comfortable. Some days it seems comfort is impossible to achieve. His vomiting has been particularly bothersome along with breathing issues. His poor little body is often exhausted and under so much stress.
It's time like these that Darryl and I feel utterly frustrated and exhausted. We had planned to make a piñata at Oma and Opa's for Evie's birthday this week. The kid's were SO excited about it, they had found an owl piñata in a library book with step-by-step directions on creating one. There was no way to make the piñata happen with all of Calvin's issues through the visit. How do you explain that to three little sets of pleading eyes? Their tears of disappointment left me feeling helpless and frustrated with the situation.
It sometimes feels like we are in the battle for our lives. This is the way I can explain it:
Imagine one of your kids fell out of a boat in the ocean. He couldn't swim and was floundering. It's up to you to save him. You jump out of the boat full of adrenaline, ready to pull your child to safety. Your arms find him and wrap around him tightly. You turn your face to the boat, just a short distance off.
Suddenly a storm stirs up and huge swells start tossing both of you around. You can barely manage to keep your head above water and the little head in your arms is floating just below surface. Panic starts to creep in.
Frantically you put yourself under the water to push his head up for air. At last when you can no longer breathe you come up for air only to find his head going under again. This seesaw continues and you begin to feel the strength leaving your body. The waves are only growing and there is no lifeline that reaches you.
You cannot let the child go and thus save yourself. The only thing you can do is hang on to the child, face the waves, and pray for strength and deliverance. You wonder if your other kids sitting in the boat will make it to shore. You wonder how long you can hold on. You wonder how many more gulps of air you will get.