It felt so good to come home and return some sense of normalcy to our lives.
The last month we have been riding waves.
Tossing about with fear. How can I protect my baby? How will we care for a special needs baby, especially in Cambodia? What if I don't love my baby or feel like he's a burden? Why, Lord?
The wave of guilt would overwhelm me. I must have done something wrong in the pregnancy. Maybe it was caused from something I did or from a virus I had. What if I was the cause?
But we are not sinking. We have been lifted up by so many, many people who are faithfully praying for us, for Calvin. It has been a shared tossing about, we have felt our burden lighten as so many took part in bearing this with us.
Most of all the promises and counsel found in the Word have lifted our eyes up to Him. This keeps us floating, hoping, pressing on. His assurance that He will sustain us, he will not let the floods overwhelm us, that He will never leave or forsake us.
For now we need to wait upon Him while we wait and watch with Calvin. He is sucking away on his pacifier right now, staring at me intently with his dark searching eyes. I wonder what he is thinking?
Even though we still worry, even grieve, there is joy! Joy in this precious gift of life, this little person. I want to know who he is. We want to bring joy to his life, snuggle and love him, whisper good night into his soft little ears. So that is what we will do, by God's grace, one day at a time.