Did you know that it's possible to trust God and still feel despair? I've always heard that if we are despairing or despondent we are not hoping in God.
For the past year I have felt like we were being held face down on a cold cement floor. Trying to get up, but each time we began to crawl up on to our knees another blow would come, dropping us and pressing us to the floor again. We have felt forgotten of God, alone, and utterly exhausted from the struggle. It was (and sometimes is) the closest thing to hell I have ever experienced.
Many days when I would go to bed at night I would cry to God, "Please don't let me wake up to another day." Sometimes I would beg God to take Calvin and would almost wish to see a still body in the morning. His suffering was more than I could take. I couldn't understand God. I trusted Him but it sure seemed like He wasn't showing up. But He was there.
He was there when my face was pressed to the floor. He was there to keep me from the temptation of taking too many sleeping pills. He was there when we sat day after day after day trying to care for a son writhing and screaming in uncontrollable pain. He was there when grief nearly overtook us.
He was there when life became desperate. This desperation kept us laying face down but pleading upward. Lord, have mercy! Fight this battle for us Lord, our faith is weak. Sustain us, God. Lord Jesus.
He met us in our desperation with His word. Giving us nuggets of hope. Real pleading grounds. Not just cliches or convenient sayings, but something true, real, everlasting that we could hang our life on. His Spirit comforted us in the darkest hours. He surrounded us with a loving family and church family.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me. Psalm 138:7
And then He provided a season of relief for us.This is what refreshment looks like right now for me:
Waking up in the morning without the pit of dread and despair in my heart.
Noticing the weather outside the window.
New babies make me happy instead of sad.
Making it through many days without crying.
Being with other people and hearing about their life.
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! from 12-7 almost every night.
Less painful to see boys Calvin's age.
Energy to read the Bible and pray.