It's Complicated (Being 30)

If turning thirty was just about getting older it wouldn't be so bad. The thought of being middle-aged (is that the 30's?) is surreal and leaves me feeling like I skipped a few spaces and am wearing shoes far too big for me.

See, when you're in your twenties people are forgiving, after all you're just beginning to figure out life whether that includes motherhood, marriage, career, and relationships. They smile when you show up at the church potluck with a flop of a meal, when your children arrive looking wild with hair askew, or when you pull up in a flurry of chaos. It's quickly forgiven with quiet sentiments of ahhh, she's young yet, she'll learn.  But by thirty one should have a few things figured out. Surely! Right? I should know things by now.

And that's just one very little reason why being thirty makes me want to turn around and head for the hills of the twenties. The other one's bigger.

Turning thirty makes me want to live the twenties over (well...if I could skip the four pregnancies and just have the kids). Really I'd do it over if time could work that way. I'm tempted to look over my shoulder and see Regret, Sin, and Missed Opportunity lining up and taking a number. It makes me want to make up excuses for myself and try to change the past.

Time doesn't work that way and thankfully neither does God. He takes our failures, shows us our weakness and then gives us a view of His full sufficiency. He keeps us crossing over the fence, escaping the mire of our own failures into the pastures of possibility in Christ Jesus. It's in Him we can live, move and be.


Suddenly being thirty isn't nearly as daunting. It's exciting. I feel a sense of urgency to live, live strongly, live intentionally. I desire to deepen relationships with my husband, family, sisters!, friends, church family. I want to live focused and diligent in whatever my calling for the day is. I want to step out of my comfort zone and be useful in whatever capacity He designs. And yes, I also want to be a better cook and have things a little more together. I want to try to get my kids in pajamas every night instead of wearing their clothes. I digress.

God can transform our messes into places for His work. He can take our pain and suffering and turn them into platforms of opportunity. It's what He does. I'm like a dirty old coin on which you can barely make out the image on it. I hope the thirties bring about a vigorous dusting in my life and heart so that His likeness becomes clearer to Him as He looks at me. 

Duty Filled With Delight

Many times I unwittingly insinuate God as a burden in my life instead of being my burden-bearer. Prayer, worship, evangelism, and just plain old living out the gospel in my life become tasks instead of the joy and refuge they were created to be.

Take my day for example (maybe you can relate).

I came down bleary-eyed and ready for that hot cup of coffee my dear hubby had waiting for me. (Bunny trail here: My parents gave me this coffee-maker  for Christmas and life has never been the same. WOW. Now my friends come over for coffee and to visit...in that order.)

The pile of dishes also greeted me along with a dirty sink in need of scouring. I inwardly sighed, thinking of all the straightening and cleaning that needed to get done.  I caught sight of my bible study book..."Oooooh yeah. That's this morning. I have so much to do, I really don't feel like going..." I chewed my lip deciding what to do. I packed up my Bible and workbook and headed out with Duty at the wheel and Delight in the backseat.  

It never ceases to amaze me how willing the Lord is to pour into us even when we come with such unprepared and unwilling hearts. I'm distracted but He is purposeful and intentional in my life. I'm quick to put other things before my "duty" of seeking the Lord and yet He responds joyfully and at any time to those who call on His name. 

Through His word and reminders of Himself (revealed in the Bible) my dead heart loses the the heavy burdens of duty and thoughts of self and becomes a pulsating heart beating with life, joy, and longing for Him. All my baggage gets dumped out of the wagon and gets filled up with thoughts of Him and my life IN Him. 

My heart may be tired or my emotions worn but He finds a way to make me feel full of life and hope. The hope from His word turns into a song for my heart.

Look up, look up. Look away from the desolate landscape. I pour blessings in desert places. I find broken backward places and I redeem them. Give me your broken heart, pour out your heart to me, I will hear. Open your mouth wide, let me fill it. I will fill it up with my glory. I am greater than your fears. I am greater than death. I am your hope. I am the reason you go on. Trust me. Are you tired? Here is the Bread of Life. Receive strength from it. Are you crying? I am the Word made flesh. I know your sorrow. Do I understand? I have dwelt among you and am a man acquainted with grief. Do you long for protection? I will hide you away in the cleft of the rock. You are mine, I will keep you, I know the very number of hairs on your head. 

I did get to those dishes and that dirty sink and wondered why on earth I drag my feet when it comes to seeking God. He gives freely to even the half-hearted. He fills up places we didn't even know were empty. I didn't mind the long lists of duties anymore, I stood at the sink like any other day. But on the inside I was bowing down and singing hallelujah till I was hoarse. 

Our Sustainer

In church we sang Psalm 30; I can just imagine David overwhelmed with the Lord's goodness to him after hard times. I love how Psalm 30 shows the Lord's hand sustaining David. All David had to do was cry to the Lord and God responded by lifting, healing, bringing up, and keeping him alive.

David knew he was weak, sinful, helpless and that made God's love all the more staggering. Sometimes He gives us a glimpse (I think if He showed us more it would consume us!) of His greatness and His willingness to be involved with the likes of us and it's overwhelming.

On the way home from church Darryl was commenting how sometimes it seems like the nearness of God is too much for our little puny minds and bodies. And isn't that right? God's immensity, fullness, and holiness is too big for us. He gives us little tastes here on earth, refreshing us along the way, reminding us of an eternity with Him.


Psalm 30:1-5

I will extol thee, O LORD, for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.

O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

His anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Sweet Smell

Frankincense

"The the Lord said to Moses, 

          Take sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and gal banum,sweet spices with pure frankincense...

          and make an incense blended as by the perfumer, seasoned with salt, pure and holy." Ex. 30

I went on a side tangent while working on my bible study. Incense. It's widely used in Buddhism and initially it seemed strange to me that God would have such specific requirements for incense in Israel's worship. First He tells them to use these rich spices and then gives extremely detailed instruction on how to make the incense: use all parts equally, beat some of it very small, get it blended by the perfumer, don't use the perfume for yourself or else "you will be cut off from the people". Wow.

Then the Lord emphasizes twice, "It shall be for you holy to the Lord." It demanded careful creation and use. It's a foreign concept to us but it was part of the Israelite's life and the air they breathed. Even in the Psalms it's recognized as valuable to the Lord, Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice. Ps. 141:2

Part of me wants to cling to those external things that I can see, smell, touch. Then I found this:

      For we are unto God a sweet savour of Christ. (kjv)

                        the aroma of Christ to God. (esv)

It's beautiful! We have something better. No longer do our prayers have to be mingled with incense because they are covered with Christ. He makes them presentable and sweet smelling to the Father. Believers are "the aroma of Christ" to God. I had to check several times to make sure that's really what it said! 

It motivates me to pray more, knowing that all of my dull words and weak faith are covered with Jesus' sweet savour. He doesn't hear me based on my merit or impressive word choice or state of heart. Rather, it's through our Saviour that we can "come boldly unto the throne of grace". 

Now I'd better get off this tangent and back to the bible study, but isn't that beautiful?

Looking Back to Move Forward

Skype is a lovely thing, isn't it?

For the last hour I felt like I was right in Cambodia with Darryl, Jeremy, and Sarah. I could hear the motos, see the sweat glistening from their faces...all in the comfort of my cool room and snug duvet. That's right. I do not miss the heat. I do not miss the smells. But I do miss that edge. The edge that made me work to understand other cultures. The edge to understand the gospel as it relates to all people. The edge that made life uncomfortable enough to keep running back to safety in Christ.

Darryl has had a wonderful trip to Cambodia and will leave tomorrow for the USA again. The first few days were filled with happy hellos. He visited Logos and was overwhelmed by students and no doubt must have thought, if only I'd been this popular in junior high. It was good to touch base with students, staff, and the MTW team. It was good to reconnect with the bike mechanic, the landlord, the lady at the corner market, the burn lady at Russian. All those little relationships built up year after year.

"I'm ready to come home," Darryl said. "The first days were so nostalgic but without my work here, and you and the kids, I don't fit here." That's what life is isn't? We want to be where we have purpose and live that purpose with those we love. And that's how God moves our hearts to open and close to new avenues in life. I have a feeling Darryl will be much more eager to start a new job here after closing the Cambodia chapter.

I want to live that way. With my face forward. Looking with expectation and hope from the Lord. Each time I look at Cambodia I want to remember what God taught us in that time. I want it to sharpen us and push us forward in serving the Lord.

Imagine if we layed all of our experiences out before us and reviewed them...pain, hurt, joy, growth...and looked at them in the light of eternity. Imagine if we really profited from each one. Imagine if not one of those experiences was wasted but instead pressed us closer and harder to Christ allowing us to reach new levels of communion, service, zeal, worship. That's the joy of being a follower of Jesus Christ. Everything in life has a purpose. Everything has meaning. Isn't that beautiful?