Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Loss

Calvin is still doing fantastic. Last night he slept from 11-8! I thought I woke on that solo vacation I've been dreaming about. But no, there he was snorting, smiling, and craning his head towards the light from the window. We haven't slept like that in almost two years.

I have no idea how long this good stretch will last. It's the longest it's ever been, perhaps due to the summer weather and lack or respiratory issues that always put him in such a downward spiral. I worry about this fall and winter but for now it's all enjoyment and relief in our home.

This peaceful stretch has made me realize some level of normalcy again in life and how stressful it is to be living in constant loss and suffering. I wrote a small little piece on loss. One of my weaknesses may be feeling things too much, but I that's all I know how to do. Feel it, think it, write it.

Loss comes in different ways. I've been thinking about my friend's mom with Parkinson's, a girl recently separated from her husband and struggling to care for her disabled daughter, a father fighting cancer, a family whose children have been unjustly taken away. I think all of those situations, especially those that surprise us, leave us with these sentiments.

The cool thing about having a blog is you can write what you like. So here it is folks, the editor's nightmare. And that's okay. I have no idea if it's poetry, an essay, or just freehand words. Whatever it is, it spilled out on paper and I wonder if you can relate to it too.

LOSS
Loss sweeps you off your feet.  
It comes, uninvited, with no apology

It lifts you up, tips you upside-down
and shakes you til you're empty
and it's hard to find any piece of you left.

It broadsides you. You may be 
looking up at the sun, reaching 
for the next mercy that's before you.

It hits you from behind and your feet,
they flail wildly unable to touch
the ground and find security, stability.

Survival makes them quiet. Makes
them set down beneath you and move
forward shakily on this new ground.

Your hearts stays behind but your feet
they move, driven by routine,
producing a stilted rhythm but
it's in moving that your heart keeps 
its beating and your life keeps on living.

They say time heals. Maybe it does.
But when I look back I still see
a deep, deep, hole. It has a sign
called LOSS at the edge. And a face
of a little boy there. 
What face do you see?

But these feet shuffling forward 
point my eyes to another spot. It is 
a sign with GAIN written all over.
It also has the picture of 
a little boy there

In the folds of His providence
there are mercy treasures and 
unexpected joys that my tired eyes 
and slow heart never thought to see.
It continues beyond even what my 
eyes can see.


                                                                    So all these holes and 
                                                             all these mercies exist, together.
The gains do not erase the loss.
And the loss opens our hearts to
gains we never imagined.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautiful poem, thanking the Lord for a little break and sleep! Praying for you all!
Love,
Henrietta

Anonymous said...

Kara, honest, powerful and a beautiful and true lament...thanks for having the courage and honesty to share it. Thankful for your faith, and pray and hope you all feel and experience God's peace and presence each and every day. Praying for you guys, and look forward to seeing you all again someday:).
Dave VB

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful poem Kara--it speaks much to those of us who have experienced loss in one form or another in our lives. You are blessed with a great gift for writing.
I am happy there is a little "rainbow" time in your lives at present.Soak up the "sunshine of God's love."
Karen

Belinda said...

Oh Kara, that was beautiful. Thank you.

Rachel Amariah said...

So Beautiful. You really do have such a gift for words. Thank-you for sharing your heart with us. I felt like I could relate with so much of what you wrote here. Rachel too has had a wonderful summer. And now today, reality hit us hard again and we think of the word "loss". It is good to savor the beautiful times and I am rejoicing with you because you have had a good summer too! It's a strange journey in a way - to hold both realities in our hearts. Praying for you today! Kendra

Sophie A. said...

Hi Kara,
My name is Sophie :) I lived with Duane and Mary for some time so I've heard about you. I didn't even know you were in the US so welcome :) I blog hopped from Carol Laman's blog. I know them too haha! Your blog is truly inspiring. I'll read about the posts on Calvin :) Well, it's finally nice to meet you though it's on blogosphere!

Sophie
sophiespost.blogspot.com